Wednesday, October 21, 2015

And so it continues!

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You know that old saying - "God doesn't give you more than you can handle."  Well, I sure wish he didn't have that much confidence in me.  The past few weeks have been a couple of the hardest weeks I think I've ever had.  I wrote a post about 2 weeks ago about taking care of a relative (lets call her M) that is battling cancer and the really hard day I/we had.  My husband & I moved in with her in February to help take care of her for a little while so she could get her strength back.  Well, we are still here.

Since I wrote that post about our bad day, more has happened.  Her son and grandson came in for a visit.  It went well except for the fact that she exhausted herself and hasn't really left her bed in a couple of days since they left.  We did get some good news; the cancer has not spread to her back like we were afraid of.

Last week, I also got the results of some blood work for me, too.  It wasn't good news, and I had to go in for an ultrasound of my liver Friday.  So, not only was I worried about our relative, but now I had more of my own health problems.  I've been dealing with fibromyalgia for over 6 years now with gastric problems on top of that.  I was told the doctor would have my results that afternoon but of course, I never heard anything.

Well, yesterday we had another oncologist appointment.  Our M's brother (lets call him B) came in for the appointment.  One thing is for sure, M has some support because there were 4 of us that went with her - her brother, my husband & I, and a friend.  We had decided before the appointment that we were going to ask the doctor to be straight forward and to tell us if chemo was worth it.  You know, if it was only going to add a month or 2 to her life.  It becomes a quality of life issue.  Of course, it was probably going to end up with me being the bad guy again and asking the questions that everyone else is afraid to ask.

When we were walking into the doctor's office, I got the call from my doctor's office with my results.  Not a good omen for me.  There is a questionable lesion on my liver and some other concerns.  I have to go in for a multi phase MRI, and see a couple of other doctors.  I was told to get off of most of my medicine immediately, too.  Of course, these are mainly the pain meds.  This was literally 5 minutes before we got in with M's oncologist.

For her appointment, I told my husband I didn't think I would be able to be the "bitch" or "bad guy" and ask all of the questions.  Thankfully, the doctor came in more willing to be straightforward than she has been in the past.  She came in saying that things are worse.  M's cancer count has risen again.  It is now 1880.  Immediately M and B started asking about chemo, when do we start.  There is only one chemo left for her to take and in her current situation it would kill her.  M then said she would be stronger in 2 weeks and wants to start then.  I had to be the one to ask the doctor if this was her or one of her relatives would she want them to do this chemo.  The doctor said "NO".  The doctor said it is a quality of life issue.  Of course, our cousins did not hear that one.  In fact B, insists that this is slow moving because the doctor said it was in the beginning.  The doctor did say that it was in the beginning but that now it is rapidly increasing which B refused to hear, I guess.  I mean M's cancer count has risen from below 200 in July to 1880 now and that is with a round of chemo and a round of radiation during that period.

Don't get me wrong, I know that it has to be hard to face death in the face but for B to totally ignore everything is just wrong.  I was so pissed about everything, about my situation, about hers.  My cousins decided to go to lunch, even though M was already tired and in pain and the fact that B couldn't recognize that.  I had my husband drop me off at the house before he went to rehearsal for a show he is going to be in.  I so wanted to scream and yell at the world, at everyone, at God. 

I had told my husband outside, before the doctor came in about my results.   He kept trying to placate me and say it is nothing, everything will be fine.  He had talked to one of his sisters the night before about some of my problems and what they were looking for or something.  Anyway, she had told him about a cousin who had some of the same problems and it was no big deal.  Well, it is not the same thing, and I just needed to vent and get out of my system before we saw the oncologist.  After the appointment, I called my mom and she started in about how I would just need to do acupuncture or this or that for my pain, and we would need to do this and that.  I was really at my wit's end at this point.  I was just tired of everything and mad at everything.

I finally had a couple of hours to myself with no one around, to try to veg and work things through in my head.  My husband got back and started asking all kinds of questions, which I hadn't been able to go through with my doctor's office over the phone, 5 minutes before the oncologist's appointment.  I ended up going off on him, which I hate to admit felt good.  I told him I was pissed and tired of everything, that all I needed right now was to vent and not to be told that it was nothing (when we have no idea right now if it is or isn't something but the doctor seemed pretty worried about) or we need to try this or that type of therapy.  I told him I didn't need that from him or my mother.  I needed just one night to work it out by myself without all of the free "advice".  I needed time to be angry and to work through it.  I was just overloaded and told him I was at my breaking point.  He didn't say anything else about it.

As for our cousins, after they were gone for several hours I became worried and my husband called them to make sure everything was ok.  Of course, B said things were good and they were just talking.  They finally got home almost 5 hours after leaving the doctor's office.  As I figured, M was bad off.  She was exhausted and not long after getting home starting throwing up.  My husband told B that M was sick and throwing up, I guess B then heard me in the room with M while she was gagging and he thought we were laughing and left.  I was beyond pissed at this point.  It was probably a good thing he left.  She told me she had been ready to come home much earlier but didn't want to say anything.  B should have had some sense in his head.  I can understand that he might not notice all of the signs of her being totally worn out and not feeling good but when he saw her taking her more pain meds he should have realized it was time to come home.  Why is it I feel like I'm dealing with kids again?  I told her she needs to speak up and then dropped it. 

B also pissed me off by trying to get her to invest in something again.  He had talked to her about it last month or sometime.  She told him she hadn't even thought about it with everything else.  He told her he understood and then proceeded to tell her that he could take care of all of the paperwork for her to sign.  What doesn't he understand?  She does not want to worry about that right now.  Quit worrying about making money off of her.  Why are some men so clueless about everything?

Okay, I know this is long and drawn out but I had to get it out of my system.  In fact, I bet I end up writing a couple more of these in the near future just to vent.  I guess my way of yelling at the world.  I don't even know if I will post this but it sure feels good venting.  Anyway, if I seem sporadic with posting, this is why.  This is also why I haven't been posting much in the last several months.  Well, enough for now.  I hope that all of you are doing much better than we are right now.  I know life will eventually get better, I'm just tired of all the crap right now.

God please bring me peace and serenity.  I know you are with me right now and always, but could you please not have so much faith in me handling things.  Please give M the strength she needs in this difficult time.  Please just give B a clue.   Sorry that wasn't very nice.  He does need to become more aware though.  I love you and worship you with my whole heart.  Thank you for your support and holding me in your hands.  Amen.

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